This post sucks, but I still feel like keeping it.

Dreamed about Pedro finding a new girlfriend. They came home late at night, I did not know untill morning. She got her things all over "my" bathroom - but not my current one, the one from my childhood :)
A funny dream.


I also noted down this other dream, like a week ago probably... cannot really figure out when that was. Cannot figure out much of the dream anyway.
Headed for the subway. lot of little coins. wondering: enough for a ticket? get to the ticket vending machine, some ppl around. Purse was open, it had a banknote. man (possibly homeless?) comes, asks for money: ...no. immediately puts his finger on my rib. hurts and tickles. I get my arms close (not being able to close or hide the purse) shout at him to stop. does not stop. start running away. does not stop. see a policeman and cry for help. to stop the man touching me. the policeman tells me to watch my walet (from the other ppl) and does nothing. all repeats. I run around him. He just stands. I start thinking why the hell does not he help me? raised heart beat. wake up.

In the middle of the night

I had this strange dream today... I woke up and quickly some notes before it swooned in my mind completely. Now I am left with the notes, and little understanding...


was just walking... in a desert or what... stopped...flees...goats. Went on... white bull, no fence, locked, they saved me. explaining? toilet.


I think I am remembering something actually. Like I was walking on a sandy dusty surface between two high fences or walls. There was a very ordinary cow-fence gate in the end. And the pasture (dry'n'dusty?) looked empty. So I opened the gate. I saw fence very close on my left hand side, and the space was opening to the right.
And there he was, a big white bull. I tried to make a move towards the fence (and escape!) to the right, but noticed that he was really angry. I was surprised, as I usually do not get attacked by animals. I thought of returning, but the gate somehow remained open.
A long moment.
Got even longer.
What now? This was wrong!

Well, someone came (probably that kind of agricultural car) and saved me, as my notes say. I was probably trying to explain my presence there by the need to pee.


Hum.
It is great to have dreams!!!

A haze too real

I dreamed about Sanji again. Very vividly.
Aint he a real person after all?

Maybe

It was a sunny day. We were up on a hill, there, were this fresh and dense lawn is. He was lying on his back, eyes closed, some sheets of paper around... just relaxing, maybe sinking into the bed of grass. I was sitting with my legs crossed, enjoying the gentle breeze and the sun in my back.

A mosquito landed on the back of his hand. I hesitated for a while. It was touching his skin with it's needle searching for vulnerable spots. He does not have any, I thought. But what if? I chased it away with a smooth move. The tips of my fingers touched his dark skin. It felt like a sip of water. Very surprising.

He smiled slowly. I noticed how the breeze is playing games with his curls. Suddenly it came to me, that I might have been a bit thirsty and I started analyzing that feeling. Did not stop untill he very quietly cackled. "Ehm?" "Ahh... nothing. Just the hair tickles me in face." His eyes were closed. I reached for the disobedient curl and softly placed it back, where it belonged. Tips of my fingers took advantage of that and without my wanting slipped by his face, almost not touching it. Another deep sip of water.

It took just a spit of a second for my inhibits to fire. They were mercifull and did not take me down this time. I just moved a bit back and took a large smile. He opened his eyes and smiled too. We both laughed at the moment. Relief.
We got up and walked away, like if nothing has happened. Maybe it was so.

Entering someone else's dream

I took the airport bus with Sanji this morning and stayed with him in the line while he waited to take off his shoes and empty his pockets. We held hands and stood together and it was a little awkward, but funny. He's shorter, thinner than me. That was a pretty weird thing for me to acknowledge but it doesnt even matter anymore. The caring love that reaches far out of his soul is large enough to shelter anyone seeking that kind of thing. We talked about porn and women and lots of other insignificants stuff. Words became unimportant. Voice was just a thin lead running to reality. The place was somewhat distant. And yet full of proximity.
The proximity remained even after he left. Well, it had always been here. And I was not afraid to reach for it as my inhibits were off. I walked past purposefull people. Distant and sad to tears, but not alone this time.

The time of shame and embarrassment was gone, all expectations killed, and simple handholding told the entire story. And I knew I was never ever going to meet him again. I could not go through it again. This fire burned everything there was to burn. It provided nourishing ashes for the freshly reborn Phoenix. But that was it. It was a once time only. The Phoenix was aging and could not survive another painfull death, no matter how rewarding the ressurection felt.

I was thinking of him again. How he has been there for me for so long. How I would feed of that loving care returning nothing more than admiration and appreciation. Was that really enough for him? Or was there more to it that I will never understand? Strangely enough, it never occured to me that the reason and motor could be kindness. That kindness that often hurts down in the soul after being discovered. The kindness that has intention to help, but wounds deeply.